I miss you. I go through periods of being okay and not thinking of you, and then other days you're on my mind constantly and everything is a reminder of you. I don't know what to do anymore.
I wish there was a clear path forward for me but there isn't. I waver between loving you and hating you, wanting to be your friend and wanting to just block you out; between wanting you back and wishing I'd never met you in the first place. I'm not sure what stage I'm in but it's confusing. The one thing I know with absolute certainty is that I still love you - I wouldn't feel any of the above if I didn't - but that love is super painful. I keep breaking my own heart with it.
We used to talk about everything. Whether I openly acknowledged it or not, you were my closest friend. You were who I wanted to talk to about everything and you still are - but I can't. You aren't my friend. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to be your friend. I don't want to know what's going on in your life. I don't want to hear how happy you are. I don't want you to tell me about your friends or family or new interests, love or otherwise. It would destroy me. I just want to know that you're healthy and alive because I'd die if anything happened to you. But details? Your world without me in it? I don't want to know. I have a hard enough time living my life without you - I can't handle hearing how well your life is going without me. It's torture.
And I don't understand how this is so easy for you. I don't understand how you did what you did. I miss you every day. There has not been a single night that I've gone to bed without you on my mind. I still lie there and cry myself to sleep a lot of the time. It is painful, it feels wrong, and I don't understand how I'm the only one affected. I don't understand why it happened, and I guess I never will.