I know I haven't been updating as much as I should be, or as much as I used to, but the addition of the Cipralex has really thrown me off. I'm exhausted all the time. I yawn through my days and have difficulty staying awake if I sit still for more than five minutes at a time. I had mentioned to the doctor that I never felt rested on the Ativan and Seroquel, and she thought the situation would improve with this addition. Unfortunately, the med does not seem to be working as intended on that front.
It does, however, seem to be helping with my depression. While I still have my moments - to be expected since I haven't been taking it long - I feel less sad overall. I like the changes the medications are bringing to my personality.
But, I can't take much more of this constant exhaustion and forgetfulness. It seems like I'm trading one benefit for another. I've always had an easy time waking up and staying awake. I've never needed caffeine or anything else to prop me up just to get through my days. I've never been nodding off in my chair at 1pm, or passing out for the night by 9pm. I feel like I'm 80 years old. I have no energy, and it saps away the motivation to do anything. I haven't really gotten any painting in this week because I've been going to bed after putting the kids down for the night. And I WANT to be painting. I WANT to be writing. I WANT to be playing games.
So what am I to do? My mental health suffers no matter how you look at it. I can be anxious and depressed all the time, or I can be tired and unmotivated. And true, when I'm depressed I'm often tired and unmotivated anyway, but NOT like this. This is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. And the headaches. I get this tension in my shoulders and neck that makes its way up to my head and no amount of Ibuprofen makes it go away. And the random dizziness attacks. I don't want to go back to how I was before... but this isn't what I wanted either. I see another doctor in mid-June and I'm hoping he can suggest changes that might help because I can't keep doing this.
Anyway, off this depressing subject. Warm weather has come, and so has my favourite time of year. Lilac bushes are in full bloom and the smell is everywhere when you go outside. In case you didn't know, lilacs are my favourite flower. All shades, all sizes. I love them. I wish they bloomed year-round, but that's clearly impossible in this climate (or probably any climate). They pop up for a short window and then they're gone, but they make my heart happy while they're here. I look forward to them every year.
I mean really, how can anyone not love them?
And how do I know they're blooming? I actually dragged my butt out today, since it's my only day off for the next week, and picked up some running shoes. I went to The Running Room at T.'s suggestion and they were incredibly helpful in getting me set up with a pair that fit me properly and hug my feet like a glove. I did ask if they had them in pink or purple - they didn't, sadness. Oh well. Blue it is.
I'm determined to finally start exercising again... if I can find the energy. I'm at the point where I'm considering drinking a really strong tea, or taking up coffee (which I hate), just so I can get something done. T. has been suggesting running for years so I figured - why not? I tried painting and liked it. Might as well try something else that's new. Work out videos get the job done but they are also super boring and I have a really hard time sticking to them. I'm going to pick up a good set of headphones, throw some music on my phone, and hit the ground running. Literally.
And speaking of painting, and other things. I went to the store to buy more canvas the other day and found these:
I know they're meant to be part of a game (which has been discontinued) but I think they're the cutest things ever and I use them as figurines. I have a few others and was excited to find some new ones. They are now happily residing on top of my small bookshelf.
And last night, I sketched out a new painting which I started today. I'm not going to photograph it at this point because it's splotchy and unfinished, but I'll throw the sketch up at the end of this paragraph. I'm looking forward to seeing it all painted. It's a lot of sharp lines, and the easel is helping me keep them crisp - holding a canvas in your lap really isn't ideal. This is so much better. I need to go out and buy some gold paint this week and once it's all done, I will post it for sure. My next painting after this is going to be a nature piece - I haven't done one since my very first painting and I'd like to do one of the river. I'm considering packing up the easel and going down to the waterfront. Scratch that. I'm going to pack up the easel and go down to the waterfront. It's now a fixed plan.
Also, Bubs took an interest in what I was doing today while I was painting so I gave him his own canvas and brush and let him have some fun too. This is what he ended up with:
It may just be maternal pride, but I think he's got some talent. After all, he's only 2. ;) And that's all for now folks. I'm exhausted and it's time to go lie down again. I hope everyone else is holding up and that the weather is treating you well. <3 Summer days are coming.
He painted a hearth with aorta and blood full and lack of oxygen. This kid is smart.
I wanted to also recommend you some good games but I just looked at your Steam games library and damn… so muuuch good stuff waiting for you! Witcher 3, Styx, Middle-earth, Dark Souls… I wish I could play myself some of these titles :D
I’m looking forward for more of your reviews, have a great day!