For my psychologist, who asks me why I keep defending him and looking at things from his perspective:

It's taken me awhile to acknowledge who he is. It's taken me awhile to come to terms with the fact that a monster wears a mask, not a man. It's taken me awhile to understand that he did, in fact, pull one over on me despite the fact that I believed I could see him for what he truly was. It's taken me awhile to realize that while I may always love him, he never loved me. It's taken me awhile to admit that I fell in love with a narcissist.

So what did I miss? What did I ignore? What did I let slide? How could I have known?

If they're all like him, here's a breakdown:

He'll be charismatic and convincing. Thoughtful. He'll make you feel cared about, ask a lot of questions. You'll think he wants to know you - he does. He can't feed you what you need to need him if he doesn't know you. He can't make you love him if he can't be what you want. He'll end up knowing your desires better than you do. He'll make you feel happy and cherished. You'll start to fall for him.

And you'll think that maybe he feels the same way. He'll elevate you. He'll tell you how beautiful you are, how perfect, how much he wants you in his life. He'll tell you you're better than what came before. He'll be gallant. He'll find a place in your heart and nest there - you'll feel like it was meant to be. Soulmate. You'll feel tied to him. You won't understand how, or why, but you were somehow waiting for him. This is false. He is you. He is mirroring you. You're seeing yourself, and that's why you feel so intensely attracted. He's feeding you your deepest desires - that romantic love, the one that sings to you and makes promises for the future, who imagines what your home will look like, where you might travel, what retirement with him could be like. It's all so fast. It all feels so perfect. You fall in love with him.

And he breaks you. He destroys you and then comes back. He may worm his way back in by making you feel bad - he may drop a revelation on you to make you feel like you need to be there for him and you'll open yourself up again. You'll see him cry. You'll see him broken. He never meant to hurt you. You were perfect but he messed up. He never actually apologizes but you feel like he does and you forgive him. What he did tortures you - you can't stop thinking about it - but when you bring it up he turns it on you. You're making him feel bad, you can't let go, your relationship is unequivocally broken. You panic. If you can't get yourself under control, he will leave. That perfect man, the one you've been waiting for, will leave. You become the one at fault. You learn to quiet yourself, to live with the worry and the doubt and the pain, because it's your fault - right? You did something wrong. It can't be him. And you still love him.

Things will be perfect again for awhile, until they're not. He won't be quite as in love with you as before. You aren't the most beautiful woman anymore. You aren't perfect. He'll point out flaws, in you and in those you care about. And you'll start to see blackness peeking through. He will break others down, belittle and insult. You'll wonder if he's right about them and you'll question your own perception. Your friends will be wary of him and that will make you question whether he was right to dislike them - don't they want you to be happy? Can't they see how great you are together? Some of his bitterness will seep into you. You'll start to notice that he doesn't care to talk to you as much as he did before. The questions have tapered off, the interest wanes slightly. He pulls back and you clutch on tighter. Then he breaks you again and you spiral down into darkness. And you still love him.

And this time, you beg him to come back. You were wrong. You know you were wrong. You don't know why or how but it's all your fault - it always is. He's the perfect one. You will make excuses for his behaviour. There are reasons behind it. No one understands him but you. By this point your friends don't trust him at all. No one wants you back together. People actively warn you about him. You brush it off. They don't see him. They don't know him. He's been hurt, he's dealing with things, he's good deep down inside, etc. You will clutch onto any positive you see in him and use that to define who he is. As much as his darkness may grow, you cling to that spark of light. You never realize that the spark of light you're seeing is the you he is reflecting. And you still love him.

You ignore ALL the signs. The meanness, the pettiness, the inability to forgive anyone for anything. The vengefulness. The anger. The lies. The mask. The mask is what you ignore most of all, even when you can see it so plainly. He modifies his speech and tone for every individual he talks to - he will sound completely different from one conversation to the next. If/when you finally address it, he may assure you that the voice he uses with you is the real him - it's not. He'll look at you with love and tenderness and you'll feel the warm swell of love, but as you turn away it will slip off his face in an instant. You'll see the blank indifference there in your peripheral vision. He may roll his eyes when you aren't looking, or let his face slip into anger when your attention isn't on him. You start to feel crazy. Are you imagining things? Something isn't right but you can't put your finger on it and you are sure it's you. You're insane. You're seeing things that aren't there. And you still love him.

And then, when you find yourself in a bad place, he turns on you. When you're at your lowest point and need him the most, he destroys you. He insults you, breaks you down, makes you feel like the biggest failure, the worst person. He holds what others have said and done against you. He faults you for failing to do things that he himself has not bothered to do. He becomes angry at you for not disliking the same people as him, or for holding views that are different from his. He accuses you of not accepting him as he is when you've done nothing but that, and when it's him who won't let you be yourself. He pulls apart every facet of your life and makes you out to be a monster. He says things that no decent human being would and disguises it as truth. Truth about you. The reality is, in that moment he is reflecting himself. He is beginning to see him in you and he breaks it down. You aren't the elevated ideal anymore and you no longer have value. He discards you. And you still love him.

You have no closure. You don't understand what has happened. You don't believe it's real. You may fall into a depression that you can't pull yourself out of, and you wonder if you are the monster he has made you out to be. And you still love him.

You still defend him. You still try to see the light in him. You don't want to let go, but you have to. And here's the kicker: You still hope you're wrong about him, and you still love him.

You still love him.