So this post was originally started yesterday, but I just couldn't finish it. It was a very bad day, and today hasn't been much better. I managed to work 2 hours yesterday (which is better than the none I worked the previous day) before having to use another sick day - I couldn't stop crying. The meds are messing with me. Dizzy spells, periods of apathy that morph into progressively worsening depression, and no real desire to eat. Near-constant headaches. Exhaustion. A part of me wishes that I could just lie down in a corner and wither away, out of existence. I feel so done. These blogs are basically what I force myself to do. To write, because I can. They're me, getting a bit of myself out there when none of me wants to be, and I appreciate the people who take the time to read them, to message me, to encourage me. I appreciate it more than I can say.

Last night I took my Seroquel and still couldn't fall asleep for two hours - fat lot of good the stuff is doing me lately. I spent that time worrying about things that are in the past, and wondering how I could have been so dumb for so long. That thought is on my mind again tonight. I wasted a year on someone who doesn't give a shit about me. Someone who cheated on me, who broke up with me every three months like clockwork, who made me feel like shit over things I couldn't control like being depressed or anxious or having similarities to his ex-wife. A man who broke up with me because I refused to see a friend the way he did. A man who clearly expects me to police the mouths and actions of others. A man who talked so big but took no action to back it up. A man, who ironically enough, pointed out to me that actions are more important than intent, when it was always his intent I considered when his actions gave me pause... or when he took no action at all. Who spoke words of love, but would toss me aside like trash whenever things got too real or he, I suspect, met someone closer to him that drew his interest. Someone who claimed he loved me so much, but dumped me when I was having daily panic attacks and wanted to die, and never bothered to check in again. His actions do not speak of love, or friendship, or anything good. I feel used. I feel disgusted with myself for still loving him, and while I can't make myself regret meeting him or giving him my heart, I deeply regret sleeping with him and giving him a real part of me, when I feel like I never got any real part of him in return. It's a horrible feeling - to love someone, to give them everything you can muster of yourself, and have them... not care. It's torture.

Honestly, I feel pretty rock bottom - I guess that's good. It means I can't fall any farther. Maybe I'll eventually feel comfortable sitting in the wreckage that is my life, watching the dreams I had for myself burn as I am slowly flattened by the responsibilities that make up my everyday. I am having a harder and harder time caring about anything. I just wish it would all go away, that everyone and everything would just disappear from me or me from them. Maybe the weight of my life will eventually completely obliterate me, and there'll be nothing left of Kim but a husk that goes through life by rote. No emotions, no care. I'll be made Tranquil (and yes, that's a gaming reference). Good night everyone.

Because I like quotes, and this one is apt right now.