There is a near constant desire to reach out to you, to put my pride and self-worth aside yet again just to be able to hear your voice. It's hard to explain what this pain feels like. It's some kind of indescribable mix of aching pain and yawning void, as if people would get sucked into the blackness if they stood too close. The psychiatrist asked who I could lean on and my mind went to you. I don't understand how people do this, how they make it through. I have such a hard time letting go of people, and this is so much worse than with anyone else. I wanted a future with you. I wanted the plans we were making. I wanted the trips to get you food, the side-by-side cooking in the kitchen, the cuddling on the couch at night. I wanted to be able to fall asleep next to you, and touch your face when I woke up in the morning. I just wanted all the small things. All the I love yous and I miss yous, and the hugs when one of us was sad. I wanted you, the flawed, imperfect, sometimes scary you. I wanted the soul that called to mine, and still does.
Your pictures are still on my nightstand and on my desk. I can't bring myself to tuck you away, out of sight. How do you do that with a face you love? How do you just forget it and move on? Sometimes I start to feel okay, in the moment, with our lack of contact... but then I think of two weeks from now, or a year from now, and I can't breathe. We both said we wished we could have met sooner - how can I wrap my mind around never meeting again? It hurts, so much, all the time. I know I have to stop thinking about you if I want to get over you, but I can't. It feels wrong. So much about this feels wrong.
What happened? I know the reason you used, but not the actual why? Was it because I was depressed and anxious? I get that it can be hard to be around people when they're always sad, but you do it for people you love. I wouldn't have been sad forever. I just needed time to get used to my new job, time to get settled into a brand new routine. It isn't easy. I almost feel like you expected me to be perfect. I couldn't measure up. I'm only human love. I tried to be happy for you, told myself I would be before every call, but it started to feel like you didn't want to talk to me and you were always asking about the job... and then I got dragged back down into that mire. I just wanted you to sing, to talk to me about happy things or fun things, to play games with me. Instead, you pulled away. You were quiet and distracted, playing other games, and I couldn't clear my head to fill the silence. When I'd try to read you things that I found, you'd get upset and yell and I'd fall back into that silence again. Maybe I should have been more explicit about what I needed. I tried. I kept asking what you wanted to do, hoping that it would be something that we could do together... but it wasn't. Even in the same game, you preferred to play by yourself. And I was alone. And the more I was alone, the harder it became to be excited for our calls. And the less I was excited, the less you seemed to want to talk to me. That's what I meant, when I responded that I wasn't sure when asked if we were okay. I hoped we'd talk. Instead you attacked me and broke up with me. And I still don't know exactly why. And that is tormenting me. I miss you.