I've been doing some thinking lately, and I've been writing to him. Not actually writing to him, but mentally writing to him. It's been angry. I want to hurt him. I want him to feel what I'm feeling. It's petty and horrible, but that's a part of me like it's a part of everyone. And today, I wrote thoughts out in my phone. Bit by bit, as they came, broken but there, and I realized that maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe we can't be. Maybe we never were.
Dear you,
It's nice that there are things that you can thank me for. I wish that I could say the same in return, but I can't. You only used your pom-poms when you felt it was beneficial to, but never when I really needed it. When I was upset or depressed or anxious, your reaction to my pain was a clear indication that I wasn't welcome to share it with you. You were a better friend than partner, and I wonder now if that was the bait to draw me in.
I don't see why I should be friends with you - I don't see what it would add to my life. As horrible as it seems, we all choose our friends because they bring something to our table. Some are loving, some are funny, some are supportive. They increase the quality of our lives. I've maintained friendships with my exs, but all my exs have been good people, and knowing them added (and adds) value to my life. Neither of those things can be said about you, and it's taken me this long to realise that. You have never tried to be a positive in my life, so you don't deserve a spot in it.
Regardless of how I feel about you, regardless of how much it feels like my soul is tied to yours, you are not right for me or my life. In your own way, you are a lot like my mother - too black and white, too quick to judge, too quick to take offense to or feel slighted by the words and actions of others. And too quick to blame me for them. And maybe that's what this insane tie between us is/was - me trying to mend mental and emotional fences with my mother. Maybe I could see the similarities all along and just didn't want to admit it to myself.
You said that I don't cut toxic people out of my life, but I think the issue was that we just never agreed on who those people were. You kept pointing fingers at my friends, but I never had a problem with them. My friends have been good to me, they've been supportive and strong when I was falling apart and weak. They have stood by me when you have tossed me aside. They are not toxic, and my mistake was in considering your words... it was in never seeing that the toxic person was you. I feel like maybe the bridge between us needs to be burnt, that the door needs to be closed. I love you, but I can't stand by the person you've shown yourself to be. I could have loved the broken bits, the dark bits, the hidden bits - and I did - but I cannot support the man who has revealed himself to the light. The one who ditches people over anything that upsets him. The man who should have had my back when I let him have my heart, but who stabbed me in it multiple times instead. I love you, but I can't be there for you - not when you've shown that you'll never be there for me. I wish you a long life and much happiness. Take care of yourself.
Love, me
I'm still undecided about whether to share it with him and actually cut that tie. There is a weakness in me when it comes to him. I let him hurt me because I feel like not having him around would hurt worse than the things that he has done to me. It is sad, and I can admit that. He has never once fought to keep me in his life, or to stay in mine - all the fight has been on my end. He probably wouldn't bat an eye if I sent this to him. He'd block me and move on. But maybe... maybe that would be best thing he's ever done for me.