I've been finding myself all over the place lately, but for the first time, well, ever, I can say that it's in a good way. Since starting a higher dose of Zoloft with Abilify, I haven’t been finding myself depressed. My moods still drop rapidly into “downs,” but those "downs" are more exhaustion (mental and physical), tension/anxiety, and a desperate need to sleep all the time. Naps in the afternoon are beneficial, sometimes even essential, but I don’t feel sad, or hopeless, or broken. I’m in a "down" now, and while listless and sleepy, I’m still fairly functional.
I just recently came down out of a "high." During the "high" I slept 3-4 hours a night, made it through full days without feeling tired at all, and got so much accomplished in terms of house cleaning and just being there in my life, you know? Present and all in, daily.
After a chat with my psychologist a couple of weeks ago, the suspected diagnosis has been modified (or added to). She seems to be inclined toward Bipolar Type 2 now, based on the swinging moods and the fact that my "downs" last longer than my "highs." I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, being Bipolar is lifelong thing, and would probably require a constant course of meds to deal with. On the other hand, at least I’d know what is wrong with me - what has always been wrong with me – and I may not even need meds beyond what I’m already taking. So far, the anti-depressants seem to be doing the trick, and the swings are something I’ve had 36 years to grow accustomed to. Maybe it’s naïve of me, but I feel like maybe I can do this med free.
Anyway, that’s really the only update on the meds and mental health front. It’s been a rough few months, year even, and at this point things can only look up. I’m reaching for that sun.
Love you all.
It is not naive of you to think that. It is also encouraging and motivating to hear that you are feeling more functional and present in your life recently. <3 I hope your progress continues and you continue to find more answers.