"Nothing is ever too broken to give up on." - Skyborn
I came across this quote yesterday while playing Skyborn. A young Claret broke a gear in half and her mother, attempting to cheer her up, took the two pieces and made them each a necklace - hence, the quote. Pretty, right? The kind of quote that gets your hopes up and leaves you thinking... maybe, just maybe it's true. That maybe, just maybe, nothing is too broken to be fixed; or too broken to be loved; or too broken to not be thrown aside. But it's not true. Some things are too broken. Some people are too broken. And having that kind of hope, that you can fix it or that they can fix themselves, is just asking to be let down. And this is the outlook I've always had. Always believing the best in people. Always looking at their intent rather than their actions. Always looking for the silver lining that I knew existed inside them. The reality is - some people don't have one. And yes, I'm thinking of him. The quote in the game is left open-ended, and you're meant to consider it against everything. Things, people, places, times. He's what came to my mind. Our relationship. Him as a person. Me as a person. Maybe all of it was too broken and I should have given up when he cheated on me one month in.
Every time we got back together, he told me that he missed me. When I asked him what he wanted after he cheated on me, he said "You. I just want you." Clearly, that wasn't the case. He threw me aside so many times. Maybe he was looking for something - I don't know - but I wanted him. I loved and love him. So I put up with being treated like garbage. I saw something beautiful in him and believed it was real. I was willing to forgive everything he did to me because he "loved me." Because he "missed me." I was stupid. I was blind. I was that dumb, lovesick puppy who would follow around the owner who kicked it in the ribs just because that owner also occasionally patted it on the head.
“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”People who love you don't treat you like last week's trash. They don't toss you out of their lives for a day, much less a week or two so that they're free to explore other options. They don't give you the chance to walk away and never come back. People who love you are there with an ear, a shoulder, a hug. They are your voice when you don't have one. Your pillar when you can't stand alone any longer. Friends, lovers. They should all see you as having worth, the way you see them as having worth. And love? Love should be unconditional or what is it? He put so many conditions on his love that I was left constantly tiptoeing just to avoid the landmines that could and would blow us apart.
“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
--Both by Greg Behrendt, from He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
The truth is - the experience of him has left me bitter and depressed. I don't know how to escape the memory of him, or my love of him. I don't know how to separate what I wanted from what I'm left with. I don't know how to drop the hope that he will eventually come back, despite knowing that he doesn't deserve a single ounce of trust from me. He doesn't deserve the love I have for him, he doesn't deserve my friendship, and he certainly doesn't deserve any chance of ever having me back. I always told him that relationships weren't about deserving the other person, but about love and want. I believe that's still true - when both parties are equally invested and in love. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that he was neither. He played me.
And that was a new experience. I'm generally a pretty good judge of character. My friends, family, former partners - they are all good people. When someone comes into my life in any important capacity, it's generally to stay. I believe that when you love someone, you never stop. The love may change, but it doesn't fall away. And apparently the people I have chosen to surround myself with have felt the same, because I've held tight to certain people and they've done the same. Even the ones I seldom see - I would be there for them in an instant and I know they'd do the same for me. So why him? Why did I choose someone who has zero loyalty to anyone? Probably because I felt bound to him - I still do. I told him that I believe in soulmates and that I believed he was mine - maybe our souls are made of the same stardust. Maybe he is my drug. All I know is that I need to fight against his influence. I refuse to be embittered by this man.
I'm going to drop one more quote, and then I'm done. I watched this movie during the Christmas season, after being dumped by him on Christmas eve. I think a part of me is Gigi. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall easily. Not usually as easily as I did with him, but easily enough. I offer trust and faith in people without making them earn it, and I am willing to take risks for love. And that. That is not something I will allow myself to feel badly about. It is not something I will regret. I will not let him change me that way.
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."And well... this post ended in a completely different way than I expected it to. That happens on occasion as I tend to write from feeling and from the heart. Sometimes I just need to suss out the path as I go. Hopefully it's not too difficult to follow that path with me. I love you all. Goodnight. <3
--Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You (movie)