I am so sore. I was trying to play Final Fantasy IX but the pain was making it impossible. I finally gave up, and now I'm lying in bed writing this post. Because I've been depressed, I haven't been eating properly, or much, and my body is starting to rebel. Knees, arms, ribs, chest, neck. Everything hurts. The knees are a non-stop ache, the others hurt to the touch. My cat touching my ribs hurts. My kids hugging me hurts. And my head. I've had a headache for days.
This has happened before. I remember asking a friend years ago if it was normal that it hurt everytime he poked me. I realize now that it was probably because I was depressed and only eating sweets, since the thought of anything else made and makes me nauseous. I do force myself to prepare a bowl of cereal with milk every morning, but some days it feels like I'm chewing soggy cardboard and I just can't do it. I usually skip lunch. Supper is... Touch and go. Tonight I had some soup. I try to make sure that I have water, but I'm not really keeping track.
Today, at work, some guy who called in said "Hey, just what I wanted to hear. A friendly voice." and I almost started crying on the phone. I don't feel friendly lately. My voice is flat and emotionless most of the time, but I get aggravated so easily and then I want to yell and I often I do. I yell and I never want to stop. I want to chase the world away and then just disappear. I want to be ugly and twisted and terrifying. I feel like I hate everyone and everything, and yet I feel so lonely at the same time. I want things to get better but I feel like they never will. And I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to get up and pretend that I'm okay and clean up the house and do my job and take care of the kids and put off sleeping because going to bed means waking up and facing another day of this. I want to just lie prone in my bed and never move again. Never feel again. Never think again. My mind has turned against me.
And now my body has too. Because see, I thought I'd hit rock bottom and I guess I just needed to be reminded that there's always so much farther that we can fall. Always so much more shit to come after the initial pile we step in. As long as we push on and follow the path, it will just keep coming. What a wonderful fucking life.