There have been many times I’ve been tempted to reach out, to try to clarify and understand what happened between us and why. I’ve oscillated between being mad at you, and wondering if maybe we were destined to be soul-mates of the non-romantic kind.
I’ve talked to others about my current situation. It hurts to still be in love with, and invested in, someone whose time with me lasted only 9 months, but whose loss is still felt deeply and painfully a year later. A full year later. Tomorrow, to the day.
One friend suggested that romantic love is irrelevant, and that I should continue to work on my relationship with M. He argued that for centuries, people were content to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the person they lived with, who eventually became their nearest and dearest friend. Romantic love, he maintained, had actually destroyed relationships. People rarely stay together anymore.
I, on the other hand, don’t know if I can accept that. You see, I’m at this point where I feel like I am cheating on two men – M., by being unable to romantically love him, and you… because I’m involved with someone else when every bit of my heart remains tied to you.
I’m still not sure why I bonded to you so deeply when you remained able to walk away at any moment. I’m uncertain whether the issue lays at my feet, or yours. Did you ever love me? I guess that’s the real question. You made walking away look easy, every time. So many times. I would have taken a bullet for you, P. I would have married you. I would have moved for you. I would have given you a child.
But I wouldn’t give up my right to an opinion, and to defend my friends regardless of your perception of them. I would have done/given so many things for/to you, but I never bargained on having to give you ownership of my thoughts and actions. You didn’t own me. I was yours, heart and soul, but you didn’t own me.
I guess I want to know what you were thinking. What you were feeling. I remember you saying that it might be clearer tomorrow. It was never clearer, and I have never understood. If we are going to try to be friends, as we tried to be before YOU instigated a relationship, I feel we should be able to talk about these things. Had they happened to me with someone else, I may have turned to you for advice and clarity – please try to offer me some related to us.
As it stands, I love you, I will always love you, but I can’t trust you. Not anymore.